How to Deal When Someone Criticizes Your Parenting Style

Are you tired of feeling like you’re parenting in a world of judgment? Have you ever found yourself defending your positive parenting choices to skeptical family members or critical peers?

If you’re reading this post, chances are you’ve been in the “don’t judge my parenting” hot seat before. At some point, if you haven’t already, you’ll likely face situations when other parents judge your parenting or a family member criticizes the way you do things with your kids.

Positive, respectful parenting is a fairly new approach. Your parenting choices might be totally different from people in your immediate family or your neighborhood. And when you’re among the first to break away from generational patterns of parenting characterized by rewards, punishment, and authoritarianism, dealing with criticism can seem like an insurmountable challenge.

But fear not! In this article, we’ll arm you with strategies to not only handle criticism but also embrace and flourish in your positive parenting journey.

Let’s Talk About Coping When Someone Criticizes Your Parenting

In this interview, I talk with Amanda Morgan, author of Parenting with Positive Guidance, about handling criticism and finding support for your parenting choices.

I asked Amanda: What can parents do when they are criticized for choosing a positive guidance parenting style? How can parents gain confidence in their parenting style?

How to Respond When Someone Criticizes Your Parenting

This is often the hardest part of parenting in general. No matter what you’re doing, there’s someone to tell you — directly or indirectly — that you’re doing it all wrong.

If we’re looking for everyone else to affirm our parenting style, it will never come. Disagreement and criticism abound, largely because there are a million “right ways” to do it. There are certain principles of parenting that are consistent and true, but their application will look different with different parents and different children.

Two Ways to Handle Critiques

The way you respond to parenting critiques is going to be different depending on who’s giving them. It’s one thing if it’s a stranger on the internet; it’s another if you’re facing a situation like ‘my boyfriend disagrees with my parenting’. When someone you care about confronts you directly or gives unsolicited advice, you have two choices you can:

• Make a brush-off type comment that essentially shows you heard the person commenting, but the topic isn’t one you want to discuss with them. So, something like, “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind,” or “That’s one way of doing it. We’re trying a different approach.” Or simply a give smile. (Though that “hold your tongue and smother them with honey approach” may be the hardest of all.)
• Actually, engage and try to educate someone about your perspective. This doesn’t mean you’re trying to change their opinions. That would likely be a losing battle. Approach it with the intention of simply explaining the concepts you’re using in parenting.

Things to Remember When Dealing With Criticism

• Avoid a full debate and use simple phrases like, “I’m really trying to emphasize his own problem-solving skills rather than simply telling him what to do,” or “I believe it’s more important for my child to learn from choices and consequences than it is for me to control his every move.” “We choose to teach through means other than physical punishment,” or “The APA statement shows spanking is a tool with diminishing returns.”
• If they want to know more, and you feel you can have a respectful discussion, go for it. If you can tell that emotions are too high for either one of you, simply say, “I appreciate your concern/interest/love for my child. I’m parenting in the way that I truly feel is best for our family. Please respect my choice. We may simply have to agree to disagree on some of the details.”
• In any parenting discussion, it is so important to monitor your tone and try to be sure that you aren’t turning the tables, passing judgment on a parenting style that is different from yours.

Support goes a long way in parenting. Without a network of like-minded parents who understand your positive parenting approach, it’s too easy to question yourself over and over. And because we’re each so emotionally involved, it’s sometimes hard to see some experiences past our own filters.

Your first and best partner in parenting is your spouse or co-parent. Someone who has a vested interest in your child. When you have a unified front, you not only handle the job of parenting with consistency, but you can help each other through your weak spots and tag-team when you’ve maxed out your patience.

Sometimes, however, partners or spouses have different parenting approaches. This can actually be valuable for kids to see that people do things differently as long as you both come from a place of mutual respect for your kids and each other.

If you’re single parenting, it can feel especially difficult not having the support of a co-parent. Be intentional about connecting with a friend who shares your values for respectful parenting. Or you could consider meeting regularly with a parent coach or counselor who specializes in family relationships.

Friends and family can also be good sounding boards.  It’s important, however, to recognize that each child is unique, as are the dynamics of your relationship with them. It can be very useful to hear what worked for someone else, but be sure to recognize the different factors in play and adapt or even disregard their advice if necessary to meet the needs of your child.

There are plenty of experts out there, but no one knows your child as you do. You are the expert on that topic. The best way to build your parenting confidence is to look at your own child and follow your own “gut”. I personally believe that parenting is sacred stewardship and that each parent who sincerely seeks to understand their child’s needs is entitled to a more sensitive awareness than anyone else out there. Educate yourself, of course, but feel how the information resonates and watch how your child reacts to its implementation. 

Confidence in your parenting can come only from you, your parenting partnership, and your relationship with your child.

Alissa is a resilience coach, cartoonist, and advocate for ‘connection, not perfection’. She’s dedicated to helping others find a sense of safety and belonging inside themselves so they can heal, connect, and build authentic, joyful lives.